Monday, July 27, 2015

Office people that need to go away.

Disclaimer: The below list is a lame attempt to be sardonic and funny. It is not directed towards any particular workplace or colleagues, but if you feel like *maybe* you relate to any of these...
then my work here is done.




"Did you get my email?"
Yes, I got your email, this is 2015, not 1996. Keywords aren't a thing and "floppy drives" is a sexual euphemism. What you're really asking is why haven't I done that thing you want me to do yet, but you're trying to be clever about it. Tell you what, I prefer straightforward to implying that your email was actually a priority for me. Well let's see, 1) if i haven't responded it's cause i haven't read it 2) or i am waiting to respond for a pretty damn good reason or 3) I don't like you.

I'll just wait at your door.
Oh would you please? Cause I'm on this phone call and ha! in addition, as you can see it's even wedged between my ear and shoulder while I type furiously trying to take care of this person on the other line, but I need you to wait at the door so I can have an even further sense of urgency... Because how else would I know that you really want to be my next priority? also, can you mouth the words of what you need as well? That'd be great. My attention clearly isn't divided enough.

I own this office.
I see that the chair I've placed in front of my desk doesn't suit you. Apologies, I neglected to understand that you really wanted to parade through my office like a peacock in full ass-feathered mode, surveying my stacks of paperwork and sitting on the side of my desk like a fucking Roman Emperor. Apologies, Caesar. Can I get you some coffee while you wait? Find some gladiators and set up a battle for your entertainment? Hand-feed you grapes? And while I'm at it, thank you for gracing me with your presence for several minutes while you repeat and reiterate a lengthy request/demand that could've been delivered in a one-sentence email.

Let me show you pictures of my kids.
No, no, I'm not busy. I'd love to see the pictures of your child being held by people I don't know. Also, while you're at it scroll through the pictures of your trip last weekend to your uncle's farm and tell me all about how you picked some fruit that I don't remember. Work can wait. While we're covering such essential topics, what did you have for lunch today? How many miles are on your car? Do you have any eight-minute videos that contain 10 seconds of something funny your child did? Nothing fascinates me more than the nuances of your personal life.

Life is awful. Everyone is an idiot.
You know, it's amazing how I can avoid actually saying the phrase "How are you?" but still have someone actually tell you without asking. And trust me if I do ask, I don't want the short quick "Good" response. No, that won't do! Please go into a long diatribe leaving no detail or person unhurt by your proverbial bus. It's great to get a constant reminder that you despise this place, cause obviously, everyone who works here is an idiot. I know that voicing your disdain is difficult so we all appreciate you sharing it with others. I know it's sweet that pooh and all his friends were so inclusive of Eeyore, but this isn't the Hundred Acre Wood. Are you trying to bring me down, or do you actually think your incessant negativity is somehow constructive?

I'm never wrong.
Look, I'm sorry you're self-conscious. I'm sorry your mother raised you to be such a self-righteous tool. I'm sorry that you associate incidental mistakes with deep personality flaws. But For chrissake, yes you are. And even if it's not 100% your fault, be a fucking adult with some goddamn manners and say "Oh, I'm sorry, I could have checked on that too." or "Looks like we both missed this." No one cares or is counting the number of errors you make. But every time you passively aggressively try to make it sounds like you didn't screw up, I hate you more. A small apology goes a long way with decent people. And refusing to admit error just prevents you from growing.

And my favorite...

Cell phone in the bathroom? IDGAF.
Your phone call is too important to not give a crap. Literally. Who cares about hygiene or good manners? Shit's gotta get done, amirite? I love your complete dismissal of the mute button too, because while we're discussing requisitions I thought to myself "You know what's missing in this conversation right now? A toilet flushing in the background." Ah, never mind, there it is. I wish I could pass gas on demand. And I hope you know how loud I'm going to laugh the day you finally drop it in the can. But don't worry, the person on the other end is surely delighted by these sounds and understanding of your unparalleled work ethic.



Monday, July 20, 2015

LIVE on #Periscope! We bring you: #Inspiriscope!

This is a shameless plug post.

Myself and She's Nacho Mama have joined forces (don't worry, we're benevolent overlords) to bring a weekly discussion on Periscope. We're naming it #Inspiriscope

Topics will range from "fat shaming" to "workout motivation" to "nutrition" and everything and any thing else related to wellness, fitness, inspiration - hence the title. Each week a new topic and each week some great tips, advice, and discussion.

This Thursday (7pm CST) will be my first broadcast.
And then, next week, She's Nacho Mama will broadcast Monday at 10am CST.

Please join us on Periscope which is a fun new live video app.  Hope to "see" you there!

Monday, July 13, 2015

Qualities of a Self-Rescuing Princess

A few months back I had the wonderful opportunity to run in the Disney Princess Half Marathon. It was magical and got me thinking about the princess culture.

There's a lot of grumbling that happens about raising our daughters in a "princess culture." Glitter and pink dresses and princes to the rescue - hating on the princess culture.

I disagree.  I see movies like Shrek, Brave, Star Wars, Mulan (to name a few) and I don't see that culture. I see young women or girls who are breaking "the mold" of the traditional princess. Challenging the norm,  not relying on some silly prince or stuck-up knight to save them. It got me thinking about women and how our culture is emerging from timidity-and-subservience to strong-and-confident...What are the qualities of a self-rescuing princess?  

She'd be kicking herself for getting into the situation is the first place.
She wouldn't blame someone else (the big mean dragon that holds her hostage.) She'd be reviewing her actions and wondering how these events came to be. How could she have possibly prevented them? Or, more importantly, how she'll learn from this experience and use this lesson on her next adventure.

She'd own her responsibility.
She has control of her own destiny. She wouldn't blame or push the accountability on some stupid prince or knight. No! She revels in this opportunity to act independently and make decisions without any authorization from anyone. She's in charge of her own actions.

She'd be a problem solver.
"How the hell do I get myself out of this?" would be her motto. She'd look around her high-tower or dark-cave and find the resources she needs to get herself out. She'd utilize previous experience and cunning to climb her way to freedom. She'd focus on getting out instead of lamenting on how she got in.

She'd like the challenge. 
Being a  princess can be boring. How will she ever learn if she doesn't have an adventure once and a while. So when faced with a challenge - while it seems difficult at the time - she's excited! She knows that on the other side of this situation she'll be smarter and stronger.

She'd choose people who support her in her quest. Not take it over. 
No princess is without a trusty sidekick! One who builds her up and supports her in her quest.  She'd get rid of the nay-sayers and Debbie-Downers and surrounded herself with those who bring value to her life. She chooses her friends wisely!

She'd do what is right.
She's seen her share of villains. She has seen injustice, suffering, and pain - she wants to rid the world of it. She fears the dark side and the temptation that it brings. This jedi-princess does not crave these things. She's kind, compassionate, and honorable. She holds true to her values and maintains integrity in all her actions.

She's a fighter.
There will always be a moment that our princess will be pushed down... knocked out... at the brink of destruction - and at this moment is when she shines. She fights for herself and others! She rises beyond the degradation and the strife. She doesn't give up. She doesn't give in. She fights to the bitter end.

In the end, our princess is better for her difficult life. Every day she faces challenges and she takes ownership of them. She has others who may be willing and able to take on her burden for her, but she refuses, cause she knows she'll never learn that way. With positive people at her side, the motivation to do her best, and the assurance that no matter what, it will all be okay...
Our princess rescues herself .