Wednesday, April 2, 2014

I gained 30 lbs.

It's been a while since I've done a "Here's what's going on with DubyaWife..."  so here goes (as always there's headers and bullet points for the lazy readers. ;-)

Bye Bye ketogenic (ketosis) diet
At the end of 2013 I started on a ketogenic diet (putting my body in ketosis with very low carbohydrates, high healthy fats).  From Nov 2013 - Jan 2014 (roughly 90 days my carbs were around 15% each day and eating 1300kcal per day). I didn't exercise during this time because lack of carbs means low energy and that's exactly how I felt towards the end of January. Energy-less. Plus, this required so much planning, so much restriction, so much tracking. I didn't like who I was during this. I felt deprived. Like I was missing out. I was eating the same things. every. day. Plus the results in those 90 days? Nada. Zilch. I would teetter and totter in the 190s, occasionally seeing a 189 number, but nothing ever definite. And if I had one day of carbs (of course) I'd gain 2-3 lbs the next day. As far as this being a sustainable "lifestyle" for 9 months like I had planned?  No way. 

I started eating more. 
I wore my Heart Rate Monitor for 24 hours straight and found I burned 2300kcal. From Feb through Mar I ate over 2000kcal per day.  Now that I've had about 60 days of adjusting, I've lowered my calories ever so slightly to 1700 kcal.  And then when I exercise I'm eating the calories burned. My hope is that through the "reset" my body will adjust and instead of doing 1200kcal and two-a-days and straining my body, I want to find a healthy sustainable way. Something that I can do without feeling like I'm missing out on life. 

I'm still Paleo... most of the time. 
Beginning of 2013 I was pretty strict Paleo and then after doing the Whole30 I stayed on it.  I'd say now I'm much more of a Primal eater (paleo + dairy) and with that practice the 80%/20% rule.  80% of the time I'm paleo, the other 20% includes breads, sugars, etc.) I like where I'm at with that right now because I don't feel deprived and feel like I have flexibility when social functions or anything else pops up. I still cook at home most of the time and breakfast and lunch are very healthy, but with the occasional splurge.  Isn't that how it should be? 

I'm the heaviest I've been since 2010. 
Last year when I was trying to fight against the dreaded "plateau" I went to nutritionists, doctors, etc. for answers. And for the most part didn't get anywhere (in the long run). So under some advice from others I decided to CTFO (Chill the Fuck Out).  Beginning Feb (60 days ago), I reset my LoseIt app to maintenance and ate the calories. You would think this was great right?  Eating all that yummy food and calories?  You'd be wrong. My digestive tract in Feb was a horror... I constantly felt bloated and gassy. But by the end of Feb my digestive tract got used to the change. And then of course there was the gain. Almost immediately adding the calories put my body from starvation mode to storage mode. And the pounds added on. I feel "big" right now... and un-sexy. Despite the fact that I'm exercising... I feel the tighter clothes and the flab.  Some days are worse than others. I at least felt comfortable in the 190s. 

I missed running.
Part of the problem with Whole30 and the ketogenic diet was that I was so afraid of exercise, cause of the low energy. When 2014 rolled around I really wanted to get back into regular exercise, so starting Feb (when I started increasing my calories) I restarted C25K.  I did it two years ago, but I'll be honest that I really didn't commit to the intervals. This time I'm repeating weeks, pushing myself, and going slower on intervals so that I really can progress from week to week. I have to say, I love how I feel when I run regularly.  It makes me feel like an athlete. All runners go through cycles of love and hate, and I think I'm on the up swing now. I'm averaging about 2-3 runs per week. At 2 miles per run right now and 12:30ish pacing.

I signed up for races.
I'm a race addict. I love medals, I love the crowds and atmosphere.  And I love my running buddy (Cajun Tisha) who's up for anything. So I signed up for:  
  • Feb - Mardi Gras Mambo 10K (finished, but walked most of it)
  • March - Cosmic Run 5K (which was canceled and horribly handled, future blog post about that)
  • Virtual Race: Sherlock Run 22.1 miles (almost finished have about 3-4 miles left) 
  • April - The Color Run 5K
  • May - Superhero Dash 5K
  • June - Fitbloggin 5K or 10K haven't decided (depends where I am athletically in May) 
  • July - Dec - TBA
I'm testing out Insanity.
On my non-run days I like to do some type of cross-training.  And Dubya agreed to do Insanity with me. So we're trying it out. It's super tough, but we'll keeping going.

Weighing only on Fridays
The number is just a number for me. The scale really isn't something that I use to define me. It's a tracking tool. But daily weigh ins can tend to make me anxious and aren't helping my current "I feel like a big fat failure" attitude. So I'm weighing in on Fridays, in hopes that I'll see some long term progression. 

I'm focusing on visualizing my goals. 
When I lost 75 lbs, I had a clear goal.  DubyaBFF was getting married and I wanted to focus on looking good. I set small goals to reach and really got my mind right. I don't know how but I lost that frame of mind. They say for football players, Olympians, etc. they really work with athletes about visualizing your goal, seeing it in your mind, that it helps to see themselves doing it. So I'm focusing now on small and large goals. Things like: 
  • Being at 190s for Fitbloggin
  • When running visualizing the next corner, or next stop sign to keep me going and going. Or even visualizing a bird's eye view of how far I've gone and how far I need to go.  
  • Running 5Ks, faster pacing. 
  • Being able to do "regular" pushups. 
  • Visualizing myself weighing in at 190, 180, 170, etc. etc. 
  • Visualizing my 5 year blog-a-versary and trying to hit goal by then... or at least be close. 
  • Visualizing how I will look and feel at 155 goal. Thinner waist, arms, thighs (but of course I will never get rid of this badonkadonk ass). 
I'm fighting to lose weight, but if I don't that's cool too. 
The entire above statement sounds so contradictory. And that's cause weight loss can be contradictory at times. Less calories plus more calories burned doesn't always guarantee weight loss. I'm proof of that. I want to be driven, focused, and motivated to lose weight, but what I don't want is to feel like a failure, depressed, or worse like I'm missing out on life because of it. There's a balance. And I want to live in that balance. So I'm ending the day with saying to myself  "Was I healthy today?" and if I can truly say yes, then I succeeded. 

There ya have it guys and ghouls. You've been officially updated.  For those who really want to know how things are going, twitter, tumblr, facebook, instagram is where I'm constantly. So hit me up on there. 

Live. Your. Goal. 

Friday, March 28, 2014

Quit confusing my weight loss with self-hate.

This is the truth as I perceive it. 

Recently people are getting all in a tizzy when I say "Oh man, I'm bummed cause I haven't lost weight."  

I get advice from everyone telling me to "focus on strength and everything will fall into place" or "you need to just be happy with where you're at" or my favorite one "when you stop focusing on it, it'll happen."  

I hate to say it but. Bullshit. A big steaming pile of bullshit.
For me, weight loss isn't just something that happens. I have to make it happen. 

I fucking love who I am, I don't have body image issues, I'm not an emotional/disordered eater, I just fucking love food and wanna eat more of it. And I love to sit around and watch Netflix all day - sue me! 

I have to make the effort to eat less calories and healthier foods. I have to make the effort to get out and run or do squats. Some days I really want to live healthier, some days I have to talk myself into it. 

And yes, I feel better when I do. I like living healthy. But that doesn't mean I still don't love to sit with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food and watch House of Cards. 

I get tired of people thinking that when I'm sad or disappointed about my weight loss that I "have issues" and need to be saved.  Saved by high-intensity-interval-training, saved by "self-love", saved by diet after diet. 

Some say "it's not about weight loss" but it totally is! It's like the gigantic blue tutu'd gorilla in the room that no one wants to talk about. Since when was wanting to lose weight an unhealthy thing... did I miss the memo? 

And before I get a million comments from the self-lovers telling me "it was unhealthy for me" or for those who truly suffer from eating disorders and unhealthy restrictive diets... I get it. Each of us are on our own journey... and for you that is healthy. Keep on with your bad self. That is not the point of this post. 

Bottom line, my impetus for losing weight is not because I'm unhappy or miserable or disordered. 
It's cause I fucking want to. I want to be the best damn DubyaWife I can possibly be, both inside and out. 

In order to do that I have to work extra hard. I have to put in the miles, count the calories. Those who think I'm disordered and/or need more "self-love?" You don't me me. You really don't. I love who I am, I love my life. And I wanna lose weight. Quit confusing my weight loss with self-hate. It's the exact opposite. 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Live Your Goal

In my lifetime I've done the following: 
  • Sugarbusters
  • Low Fat, Low Calorie
  • Paleo
  • Whole 30
  • Food Intolerance Restriction
  • Ketogenic Diet
...and I'm tired. I'm tired of looking at each of these as a solution. 

In my personal life I use logic, observation, analytic reasoning, and plain common sense to define the world around me and yet, for the past 5 years, I've looked at nutrition plans as a magical solution to my weight loss. 

I became I've become obsessed. 
I had have an unhealthy relationship with food. 

After weeks months of thinking about it (and over 2 years of a weight plateau)... it's come to my attention that I've been restrictive eating for 5 years. 5. long. years. 

I'm a firm believer that people do change, and we go through cycles of being happy, sad, outgoing, introverted, adventurous, boring, etc. etc. The same is true with our health journeys. Each one is different. Each one is unique. And each one is right. 

At this point in my life, I've come the realization that having the weight loss goal and focusing on "reaching the target" was unhealthy. Maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. 
A friend challenged my goal weight number and asked me the following:
"What will you do when you hit your goal?... How will you live then? .... What will life look like?"After thinking about it... "I wouldn't be doing anything any differently. I'd eat healthy cause it makes me feel good. I'd run in races, cause I love running (it makes me feel like an athlete). And I'd wear cute outfits, clothes, etc."Her response was "Then why don't you just do that."
And so I had an epiphany... a break through. 

I'm tired of pining for the number. of wishing, hoping, climbing on that scale each day and praying to the "weight gods" that something miraculous has happened. 

I'm too strong for that. I'm too smart for that. I love the woman I've become over these past 5 years.  I'll repeat that. 

I love who I am now. I love who I've become. 

Fuck the number.  It doesn't mean shit. 

I am a healthy person and I eat fast food occasionally. 
I am a runner and sleep in some mornings. 
I am a contradiction every freaking day and that's what makes life so friggin beautiful. 

I've been strong enough these past 5 years to hang on and try to will myself into weight loss... and I hope I'm strong enough to know when to allow myself to gracefully let it go. 

Life's too short to count calories everyday. 
Life's too short for the guilt, the shame, and the regret. 
I may not ever be "skinny" but I'll be damned if I'm not happy. 

So from now on I'm living like I'm already at that number. I'm living my goal.