Monday, January 26, 2015

Coffee is Magic

I love coffee.

I decided to do some research about coffee and discovered some interesting facts...

The History of Coffee
Coffee was given to Neil deGrasse Tyson by Odin, god of all, in 300 BC when he traveled back in time to help save the dragons from the skeleton wars. He was unsuccessful but records show that the indigenous species of the time learned of the coffee bean and it's magical powers. Tyson, in awe from this great gift, tried to harness the power of the bean but realized that coffee could not be tethered. Tyson returned back to present day and Coffee then wandered the earth for many years in search of companions willing to train in the noble art of being fucking awesome.

Growing Coffee Beans
Coffee Beans are grown on clouds of pure joy and feed on starlight and moonbeams. They require constant attention and listen to Enya. In order to achieve maximum maturation coffee beans must be caressed lovingly and read motivational quotes. This imbues coffee with it's "kick-ass-ness." A chemical that can only be found in coffee.

Grinding Coffee
Coffee beans were removed from the periodic table in 1872 due to Tungsten having a hissy-fit about being the hardest metal. Coffee has a hard-coated mystical shell of awesomeness.  Grinding coffee can be very labor intensive as it requires a year long ritual that includes (but not limited to) dancing naked under the moonlight, sacrificing a member of the Illuminati, and speaking in tongues for five minutes straight. Due to the vast demand of an easier grinding method, scientists developed commercial coffee grinders that trick coffee into thinking "it thought of it first" and since then commercial grinding has become widely popular. The day still remains when the coffee bean will become aware of this trickery and ultimately seek its revenge.

Brewing Coffee
You don't brew coffee, it brews you. There are many machines that attempt to brew coffee but all fail except the old fashioned drip. Why you ask?  Cause coffee isn't to be fucked with.  You can't force the awesome into a cup with a Kuerig (A wham-bam-thank-you-maam shot of hot water in  an artificial plastic tub! Coffee says - fuck you!) No no, coffee prefers to be surrounded by very hot water, soaking in it like a hot tub, and then, when coffee is ready, and only when it's ready... will it then excrete out its awesome into your cup.

Coffee Varieties
Not all coffee is created equal. There's dark coffee, espresso, hot coffee (cold coffee isn't real coffee) and many other variations. Coffee doesn't give a fuck what name you call it. It's awesome like that. All coffee asks is that you drink it's precious juices and call it every once and a while.

Side Effect of Coffee
There are no side effects of coffee.



I hope you enjoyed this detailed documentary of coffee... tune in next week when we discuss - bacon.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Ten Things That Need to Go Away in 2015

let the snark commence
  1. The following phrases: 
    • "I can't even." I literally. can't even anymore. 
    • Getting excited about something and posting: "This!" We can be more clever people. Come up with something better to show your excitement. "Huzzah!" "Right On!" Get creative.
    • Headlines that say blah blah blah "...and you won't believe what happened next!" or the like.
  2. Cords. Power cords, mouse cords, USB cords. A sea of gadgets and each one has it's own. damn. cord. According to Back to the Future 2 we're supposed to have hover boards by now... all I want to do is charge my fucking phone without a cord. I'm not asking a lot really.
  3. Discussions of Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus, or any other plastic pop culture celebrity making a living being a complete d-bag and touted as a creative talent.
  4. Teenage dystopian movies/books. I'm done.
  5. The constant belittling and berating of the young generation because those young whippersnappers are always on their phones, so entitled, and the "worst generation."
    We've heard this before. You're getting older and jealous - let it go.
  6. On that note... dear god, anything Frozen related.
  7. Buzzfeed.
  8. Not googling it. Asking a question to someone on the internet while the internet is open and available for you to answer the damn question yourself. This is either the move of the self-entitled or the technology-impaired.
  9. TV/Movie FOMO (fear. of. missing. out.) I have 24 hours in each day. 6-7 of them are spent mini-comatose, 10 hours solving other people's problems, and the rest oscillates between social media, running in slow motion, and stuffing my pie hole. I know there's a plethora of great movies and TV out there and I make every attempt to binge-watch them when the mood and time allows, but can we please fucking quit with the "YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED BREAKING BAD!?!" My lack of watching does not indicate my disinterest. In fact usually it means that it's not on Netflix, Amazon Prime, or able to "obtained" by other completely legal means. Also, I'm a complete hypocrite on this one, I'll quit if you quit.
  10. And finally...


    The inequality and hatred against our own species.

    It baffles the mind to think that in the year 2015 where we have 3D TVs, contraptions that allow us to access a wealth of information at our fingertips, snuggies, and other amazing inventions - yet we still have not figured this out.

    There's still white privilege. There's still male privilege. Gays are still not equal.

    Bombings and killings are happening all over the world because of religious differences, hatred, and other stupid, stupid selfish reasons.

    This shit is sad. It's old. And it needs to go away.

    Our species is evolving. We're shedding the old myopic conventional traditional way of thinking for a more open-minded, cooperative mindset.

    Absolutism is a black or white thinking. But I'd much rather live in shades of grey.

    Quit categorizing. Quit stereotyping. Embrace the beautiful diversity in our world.

    It's easy to love those who are similar to me, it's harder to love those who hate me.

    Love isn't simple. Kindness can be hard. But anything worth having takes effort.

11. Oh... Black Eyed Peas. So early 2000s.

polite mic drop

Monday, January 12, 2015

Looking Pretty is Not One of My Priorities


As we all go into the New Year with our resolutions and hopes and goals, here's some motivation for that new diet you're trying. So put down the cinnamon roll (calories aren't allowed on your diet) and listen up.

At Fitbloggin 2012 I had the wonderful opportunity to meet the great Sheryl Yvette (@bitchcakes). She's one of my favorite Facebook/Twitter personalities, a delight in person, and her weight loss story is inspirational.

At a social, she came down looking downright gorgeous for the red-carpet. I oogled over her gorgeous persona and inadvertently flirted with her in the hopes of drunk late night hotel antics. We struck up a convo for sake of brevity I don't remember exact words. (I have a horrible memory. Seriously. I'm fairly certain that when you give birth the greedy baby-parasite rips out a portion of your brain that is able to retain memories as it squishes out of the vaginal canal. Ah, the beauty of childbirth.)

This is the best I can recall.

Me: "Wow, you look so great!"
SY: "Thanks!"
Me: "I just do not have the time to get myself all dressed up like that..."
SY: "Yeah..."
Me:  "Yeah, just to put on makeup and do my hair and all... don't have time for that."
SY: "Well, when it's a priority, you make time for it."

Boom.

There ya have it, folks.

Called out.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that she was mean or rude about it, she was actually very pleasant. Sheryl has this wonderful sarcastic New York style sense of humor that makes you want to laugh and also want to punch her in the face. It's beautiful.

The convo kept going thereafter. But I was floored for some reason at that moment. She's got it right.  And perhaps it's obvious information that we all know but poignant. It's stayed with me enough to write about it years later.

In our lives we tend to do those things that we enjoy, bring us pleasure or things that are really important to us.

My sister doodles.  She's an artist.
My daughter plays video games. She loves video games.
My husband podcasts about role-playing games. He plays role-playing games.
We're nerds. Don't judge.

Some people can't stand a single dirty dish in the sink... I couldn't care less.
Some people can't go out of the house without putting on makeup... meh.
Some people require coffee in the mornings... ok, so I agree with this one.

Are you getting my point?

Some of us have certain things in our lives we will not waiver on.  Values by which we live by.  Strong convictions that make us stand up and say "Hey, I know what I want, and I'm going to defend that. Come hell or high water - that is important to me!"

Now maybe doing up your hair and makeup like Sheryl isn't noble or courageous, but to her, it's a necessity.

Running is a priority for me. It's one thing I won't waiver on. I make time for running. I love it.

It takes hard work and dedication, but as SY says "Well, when it's a priority, you make time for it."

Now, excuse me while grumble while in my self-induced-temporary-coma-like-state, making excuses that it's too early and too cold to run this morning.