Monday, May 9, 2011

Today I'm a failure, but not tomorrow.

I just returned from a walk around the block... that was necessary before I either yelled at my daughter, yelled at my husband, and/or starting throwing things.

During my walk I started to think of the events that lead up to this culmination...
- My inability to run for a full mile during this morning's run
- general frustration and brain drain at the office
- poor eating choices at lunch and dinner
- my daughter's recant of her day while driving home which always seems to be pessimistic and morose
- the tasks of being a girl scout troop leader, getting summer camps lined up for my daughter, clothes that need folding, dinner to be cooked, etc.
- the dreaded 2 hours worth of math homework with a pre-teen who would rather pull her hair out than do math... and she lets you know this verbally.

All of this... all of it... lead to a break down just moments ago.

I had to cry, I had to walk away, I had to let it out.

And during this walk... I told myself the following...
It's my fault for not being able to run.
I'm to blame for not being able to be more helpful at the office.
I should have made better eating choices.
I'm to blame for my daughter's bad day.
I'm at fault for not getting all those tasks done.
It's my fault for her issues with math.
I'm always to blame.
It's always my fault.

And what's funny.... I don't know any other way to feel about it. I can't blame anyone else. I can't let anyone else take fault for those things.

I could have done better, I should have done better.

It's not surprising how I came to be 255 lbs with days like these.

What better way to comfort myself after a day like this than with a whole bag of Pretzel M&Ms. And I could eat a whole bag right now. If I sit in front of the TV with a movie and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos... I'll feel better. And I will. For a short while.

Today I may have failed in some respects. But I will not tomorrow.
Today I may have not been 100% healthy. But I will not tomorrow.
Today I may have blamed myself for everything. But I will not tomorrow.

Now instead of eating my feelings, I express them on a blog for the whole world to see.

Because this is the kind of day I had today.

And maybe you had one like it too.

3 comments:

  1. Oh, I have had those days. And I think you gave yourself (and your daughter) several gifts today. You honored your body--yes, even with your lunch choices. You felt your feelings--and did it in a way that included nothing smashed. :) Way to go! Hang in there.

    Warmly,
    Ann

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  2. I've had many many days like that. You did an amazing job of taking a walk instead of yelling. There will always be days where we don't make the best food choices but you recognize it and are going to make changes tomorrow. You are a rockstar!
    I secretly hope I'll run into you on a walk or at varsity sports cause you inspire me.

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  3. It's very true, we all have these days. And I agree, you handled it amazingly.

    As your sister, I know how prone everyone in our family is to "self blame" or as we always call it "becoming the martyr". So I just want to let you know:

    You're an amazing person. You have triumphs EVERYDAY. You're tackling a new job. Being the foundation for a beautiful and successful family. When I think of you, the farthest word from my mind is failure.

    I'm so proud of you, and everything you've accomplished. I just want you to know that :) <3

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