Friday, August 5, 2011

A Call for Help

I'm a liar.

A big fat liar.

Unfortunately, dear readers, I've been lying you to for quite a long time.

I haven't lost any weight since February...

I've been on one big see-saw for the past 6 months and I don't know how to get off.

I weighed in at 182.6 this morning. Which sucks. Once again I'm still stuck in the continuous 180 loop that never ends. I hate it. I work and work and work to get down to the 179s only to have a weekend with high carbs or little exercise and I bounce back up. I haven't had any results in 6 months. No pictures with new numbers to post. No real change in my measurements in 6 months. I'm tired and frustrated and quite literally thinking about giving up. Which is so very unlike me.

Part of me wants to just stress out and work out ten times a day and really get this shit done and another part says that I'm doing a lot and I should just keep this happy balance.

I'm capable of more; I know I am. I'm happy I'm thinner, but I'm not quite where I want to be. And I had this goal of losing it all by October 12, 2011 (my two year anniversary of my lifestyle change) and now it's not going to happen. What have I done. I've lost time. I've made poor choices, I assume, and now I'm stuck.

And I write that but then I know it's not a race. I have so much more time. But yet, Am I reverting to my old ways? To the days when I said "I'll lose the weight someday..." there's the future tense talking again. I don't want to speak in future tense or in past tense (I've lost this much weight).

I want to say "I am losing weight." And I can't say that right now.

I feel ashamed. I feel like I'm a liar. I fee like I'm defeated and have lost the battle. I feel like how I felt over two years ago when I didn't know where to go or what to do. I feel lost. And I need help. I only have 25 more pounds to go. I've lost 75 lbs thus far. You would think I have it all together.

I started running about a year ago. I've run 5Ks and now I'm training for a 10K. I'm using the elliptical less and less and opting more for running and my High-intensity weight training class about 2-3 times per week. I don't count calories as much anymore, mainly because I trust myself now to make better decisions. You would think I have it all together.

I'm sure as you read this you think to yourself, "These are all GREAT things!"

Yeah, but why has all of it not proven fruitful... I'm proud of my new fitness regime. I love running, I love weight class... yet I'm still here, in the 180s.

Where's the issue? Where's the cog that's not working? Why am I have difficulty breaking past this invisible barrier?

It was simple.
Now it's not so simple anymore.

Don't tell me it's my "natural body weight" cause I firmly believe that's bullshit. I refuse to believe that being just barely obese (yes,that's right, according to BMI I'm just barely obese), is something I should become comfortable with, nor accept.

There are some who believe the body does what it wants and we should "listen to it" and just follow suit. If I did that I'd be right back where I was, because my body tells me it wants to sleep and eat Cheetos all day.

I'm fairly certain that I need to do either one of two things:
1) Take a break. Quit counting calories, quit weighing in, quit even exercising for a week or two, then start things back up to see if I can kick start myself again.
2) Go hardcore full on out, two-a-day body work outs to get my shit in order.

Both are just as difficult in my mind. I fear gaining weight with the first, and I fear hurting myself or stressing out from the second.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. All I know is that I'm frustrated, and I've been frustrated for too long.

I need help. More specifically your help. Whether through motivation, or some knowledge of what to do, or just solidarity. I've internalized this struggle up until now cause I didn't want my readers to feel like I'm a failure or to not get the much needed motivation that you are accustomed to getting from me. But it's unfair to you to internalize this struggle and not show you "the reality" of weight loss. It isn't all happy days (even after 75 lbs are gone.) There are days that I feel like a failure, and lately it's been more frequent then less.

The truth is, I'm struggling. I'm struggling and I need help.

Please help... in whatever way you can.

Get Mean. Twisted Evil Make a Decision. Exclamation Choose Health! Cool

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