Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Trusting Myself

Today is the last day of the month and tomorrow I get to pull out the ol' scale and weigh in.

I'm terrified.

For the past month I've given up looking at the number each day, given up using gadgets (like my heart rate monitor) and focused more on my running training and healthy eating habits. (Read my posts: A Call For Help & A Call For Help:Recap) I've been focusing more on trusting myself, trusting my body, and really just listening.

It was an emotional time for me to make that choice because I used that methodology for over a year and half. It worked and I trusted it. This was a whole new type of trust.

Trusting myself is hard.

As a previously obese woman, I had to figure out my triggers. Stress, social gatherings, depression... And then once I did I had to force myself to be accountable. I couldn't trust my body, I couldn't trust my cravings. At this point in my weight loss life, I had to reverse that thinking. Why? So that I wasn't tied to the number... so that I wasn't forcing myself... so that I wasn't filled with guilt. So that I could succeed.

So now tomorrow I get to see if a month's worth of trust is sending me in the right direction. And I have mixed feelings about it.

Will I see a gain?
What if I gain? How will that affect me emotionally?
If I gain, did I fail?
If I gain, does that mean I was "bad"?

Just look at those questions... obsessed with gaining weight...

In reality it doesn't really amount to anything. While I want the number to go down because the number indicates a measurement of health, let's look at the other things I've done:

  • I ran two 5K races this month. One in 37:15 minutes and the other in 34:44
  • I had my highest mileage of any month I've ever run.
  • I committed to running and training a half-marathon for Jan 2012.
  • I re-committed to calorie counting and on average had 1500 calories per day.
  • I have definitely noticed my jeans are fitting looser (despite measurements not really changing).
  • I feel better. Running has become a passion.
When I step on that scale tomorrow, I'll remind myself of these things.
When I step off that scale tomorrow, I'll remind myself of these things.
Regardless of the number, I'll remind myself of these things.

So this post really isn't about how I've trusted myself thus far, it's about how I'm going to trust myself tomorrow and the next day and the next.

Trust that I'm not the number.
Trust that I am a success.
Trust that no matter what, I should be proud of myself.
Trusting in me.

--
Get Mean. Twisted Evil Make a Decision. Exclamation Choose Health! Cool

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