Sunday, September 2, 2012
Feeling not good enough
Pack of Almonds.
And as I unpack this bag... I start to feel guilty. When was the last time I used this bag, much less its contents? When have I run so hard the rest of the day I wore compression socks? When was the last time I had the motivation?
I start to hate this room. I look at the elliptical cycle... the weights, the kettlebell. The things I purchased and used for so long and now I barely touch them. So many wasted items... wasted days...
And I start to feel so guilty that I want to cry. Another day wasted. Another day gaining instead of losing. Another day of not hitting my goals. And the guilt collects...
I've always been a very ambitious person. Always wanting to do more and be more. Perhaps it's not apparent from my life or my actions, but in my head, I always think, "I can do more." And the problem with the way of thinking is that I'm always raising the bar. Or I'm always thinking I can do better. And maybe I can. But what type of life am I leading when every time I end my day or look at my life I think "I could have done more." Seems like a quick way for me to always disappoint myself.
I don't have an answer or a point to this post. Just my thoughts and feelings.
I haven't discovered yet an answer to the guilt I feel. Its on going, and some days it drives me to do more, and some days it paralyzes me. Only I know when I feel like I'm being successful and when I'm not. And lately, I feel like... I should be doing more.
Get Mean. Make a Decision. Choose Health!