Sunday, September 2, 2012

Feeling not good enough

Today I spent about an hour cleaning up my house.  I put it on my to do list, made a commitment and really focused hard on trying to get it done. After doing various things like cleaning the kitchen, changing the sheets, I walked into my guest room/fitness room and started cleaning things out.  I found my old workout bag... started cleaning it out.

Ice Packs.
Compression Socks.
Pack of Almonds.

And as I unpack this bag... I start to feel guilty.  When was the last time I used this bag, much less its contents?  When have I run so hard the rest of the day I wore compression socks?  When was the last time I had the motivation?

I start to hate this room.  I look at the elliptical cycle... the weights, the kettlebell.  The things I purchased and used for so long and now I barely touch them.  So many wasted items... wasted days...

And I start to feel so guilty that I want to cry.  Another day wasted.  Another day gaining instead of losing.  Another day of not hitting my goals. And the guilt collects...

I've always been a very ambitious person.  Always wanting to do more and be more.  Perhaps it's not apparent from my life or my actions, but in my head, I always think, "I can do more."  And the problem with the way of thinking is that I'm always raising the bar.  Or I'm always thinking I can do better.  And maybe I can. But what type of life am I leading when every time I end my day or look at my life I think "I could have done more."  Seems like a quick way for me to always disappoint myself.

I don't have an answer or a point to this post. Just my thoughts and feelings.

I haven't discovered yet an answer to the guilt I feel.  Its on going, and some days it drives me to do more, and some days it paralyzes me.  Only I know when I feel like I'm being successful and when I'm not.  And lately, I feel like... I should be doing more.

Get Mean. Twisted Evil Make a Decision. Exclamation Choose Health! Cool

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