Wednesday, August 28, 2013

“I don’t deserve to be happy until I’m thin." Guest post by Bambi

A Belly Dancing Queen!
“I don’t deserve to be happy until I’m thin.” Those were words that came out of my mouth last night as I cried because I was feeling so miserable. I had no real particular reason to feel miserable; it just comes on every now and again. Last night was one of those nights. I sat and I stewed and I thought and I contemplated. When I finally broke down and talked that is one of the things I admitted.

I talked about how I’m not good enough, how I need to do more, how I need to lose weight, how I need to work out more, how I need to just be better.  However when that sentence passed my lips I almost died, I had never realized that I thought that. How is that even possible? I’m happy right? I love my life. I’m in a fantastic relationship, I’m loving dance, I have great friends.

Then I realized yes I am happy with all those things in my life but they are outside of me. I am not happy with myself and I don’t feel like I have the right to be until I’m thin. I had lost weight; I was at my goal almost. Then I let life get in the way I guess. I let the stress of my job, the daily frustrations in the way. I started to stress eat, to binge again. I’ve gained weight. I’ve gained about 40 lbs and I feel like a failure. I feel as if I have let everyone down. Every person who said great job, you look great. I feel like all those people are laughing at me now making all the comments such as “I knew she’d gain it back”.

All while I’m feeling this way on the inside I try to hide it. I think is where part of my problem starts. I am doing all the things I need to so that I look confident and happy with myself but on the inside is that voice that calls me all those negative names…fat, ugly, loser. The list could go on. All the while I am not allowing myself to be happy with who I am right here and right now.

So while that tear filled break down last night wasn’t pleasant for anyone (Here is where I have to put in a huge thank you to the most wonderful boyfriend in the world who, I discovered last night, truly loves me for the person I am and is so amazingly supportive of me. I’m very lucky to have him) it made me really think, really understand that I have to make some changes.

What changes though? Do I need to watch less tv and clean more? Do I need to go paleo? Do I need to go exercise more? Do I need to eat less?

Nope! Well okay yeah maybe less tv and more exercise would be wise, maybe fewer meals out and more leafy greens would be smart. However that isn’t the change that needs to happen.

I realized as I laid there in bed contemplating after I uttered those scary 8 words I need to be happy with me right now. I only have one right now, one day, one life time. I can spend it wishing, hoping, thinking all the
  • What ifs?
  • When I get to goals…
  • I can’t do that because I’m too heavy
  • The list could go on but you get my point right?
Or I can be me. I can enjoy my amazing relationship, I can enjoy dancing with my belly bared to the world because guess what it is just a belly (seriously I could write a thesis length paper on my belly issues), I can run around with the kids, I can laugh with friends, I can enjoy the wonderful life I have.  Because you know what I have a pretty kick ass life! It isn’t perfect but I will share a little secret I just figured out…no one has a perfect life. There will always be craptactualr days, there will always be job stress, there will always be days where the kids are defiant, there will always be days where I can’t do a shimmy to save my life, there will always be days…but those are just moments and I can’t let those moments outweigh the moments where I’m happy.

Bambi in her bell dancing gear!
So starting today I’m going to take some advice from Melissa McCarthy I saw on facebook this morning.  My life, my body, me…It’s pretty damn good! I’m going to focus on the positives. I’m going to focus on being happy, eating foods that make me feel good, dance because it makes me smile and it is also a pretty gosh darn great workout, lift some weights because I like to feel strong, but not beat myself up if I have a brownie or a cake ball or feel a little down.  Being thin won’t make me happy; I know that because I was still picking myself apart when I hit that magic number on the scale. Being happy will make me happy. Starting today I’m going to make that may goal.

Who is with me?

DubyaWife's Take:  Holy shit, this post is filled with so much awesome.  Bambi and I met via a running group a couple of years back, we've kept in touch via social media and I have had the wonderful opportunity to see her transform her body.  It's interesting though that she still suffers from the same issues all of us do.  Self-acceptance.  Bambi thought that magic number would make her happy, but it doesn't.  Being healthy makes us happy.  And health comes in so many more forms that weight loss.  Thank you so much, Bambi, for the post and insight!  Bambi is a belly dancer and has her own studio in Baton Rouge!  Check it out! 

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