Monday, January 26, 2015

Coffee is Magic

I love coffee.

I decided to do some research about coffee and discovered some interesting facts...

The History of Coffee
Coffee was given to Neil deGrasse Tyson by Odin, god of all, in 300 BC when he traveled back in time to help save the dragons from the skeleton wars. He was unsuccessful but records show that the indigenous species of the time learned of the coffee bean and it's magical powers. Tyson, in awe from this great gift, tried to harness the power of the bean but realized that coffee could not be tethered. Tyson returned back to present day and Coffee then wandered the earth for many years in search of companions willing to train in the noble art of being fucking awesome.

Growing Coffee Beans
Coffee Beans are grown on clouds of pure joy and feed on starlight and moonbeams. They require constant attention and listen to Enya. In order to achieve maximum maturation coffee beans must be caressed lovingly and read motivational quotes. This imbues coffee with it's "kick-ass-ness." A chemical that can only be found in coffee.

Grinding Coffee
Coffee beans were removed from the periodic table in 1872 due to Tungsten having a hissy-fit about being the hardest metal. Coffee has a hard-coated mystical shell of awesomeness.  Grinding coffee can be very labor intensive as it requires a year long ritual that includes (but not limited to) dancing naked under the moonlight, sacrificing a member of the Illuminati, and speaking in tongues for five minutes straight. Due to the vast demand of an easier grinding method, scientists developed commercial coffee grinders that trick coffee into thinking "it thought of it first" and since then commercial grinding has become widely popular. The day still remains when the coffee bean will become aware of this trickery and ultimately seek its revenge.

Brewing Coffee
You don't brew coffee, it brews you. There are many machines that attempt to brew coffee but all fail except the old fashioned drip. Why you ask?  Cause coffee isn't to be fucked with.  You can't force the awesome into a cup with a Kuerig (A wham-bam-thank-you-maam shot of hot water in  an artificial plastic tub! Coffee says - fuck you!) No no, coffee prefers to be surrounded by very hot water, soaking in it like a hot tub, and then, when coffee is ready, and only when it's ready... will it then excrete out its awesome into your cup.

Coffee Varieties
Not all coffee is created equal. There's dark coffee, espresso, hot coffee (cold coffee isn't real coffee) and many other variations. Coffee doesn't give a fuck what name you call it. It's awesome like that. All coffee asks is that you drink it's precious juices and call it every once and a while.

Side Effect of Coffee
There are no side effects of coffee.

I hope you enjoyed this detailed documentary of coffee... tune in next week when we discuss - bacon.


  1. Amen! Ha, I posted on my blog this fine Monday morning, then found you wrote about the very same thing...ahh, coffee....

    1. Thanks for reading! Mondays are Coffee's sabbath.

  2. Id marrrrry my current cup if I could.

    1. Coffee is celibate so I'm not sure it'd work very well.

  3. Coffee is one of the few things I stockpile obsessively. Along with coffee filters.

    1. There's no such thing as coffee hoarding.