Monday, March 2, 2015

How I Manipulate My Way into the Hearts of People

I'm pretty awesome person to be around. And over the years I've developed many a friend and companion. Some are just happenstance, fellow gregarious people that instantly became close friends (friendship at first sight). However, there are others that need coaxing, need convincing, and need effort in order to drink my koolaid. Being the ambitious and self-centered person I am, I have, at times, purposefully manipulated my way into friendships. Just like dating advice, here's some of my secrets to making people like me...

Step 1: Be funny!
Everyone likes a comedian. everyone enjoys a good laugh. I have a silly and witty side. Like Cosmo Brown says "Make em laugh, make em laugh, make em laugh." A funny gif, quote a comedy, or simply a good TMI (fart jokes always work).  Class clowns always have friends.

Step 2: Boasting!
But being way over the top about it. That way it doesn't come across as douchebaggy but as super confident but in a funny way. ex: "OMG I JUST MADE THIS AMAZING BROWNIE, IT'S THE SHIZ!" You have to find things that are incredibly common place and then totally blow it out of proportion. The other person connects with you to the commonality of it all but then also laughs (see Step 1). So tell them all about how you opened the car door and hit the one next to you but no one was looking, so you got away with that shit "#winning!"

Step 3: Polite stalking!
Monitor social media and carefully plan interactions that are not too often, but often enough that interaction occurs on a frequent basis. The key here is not wanting them to forget about you, but no raised eyebrows and rolled eyes. Carefully plan your interaction that is seems natural and fluid and then pounce like a mother-fucking tiger. It's not stalking if they enjoy it.

Step 4: Troll the trolls!
Inevitably (due to Step 1) I'll get those who poke fun at me and sarcasm will be met with more sarcasm. Keep it lighthearted, grow some thick skin! This is where you have to put your money where your mouth is, take what you dish out (various other idioms) and fight fire with fire (okay last one I promise). Shake off the haters and embrace your inner No Fucks Given.

Step 5: Kindness!
"You is sweet. You is kind." Assholes don't make friends. Or if they do, they make more asshole friends and they all live in asshole-fantasy-land worshiping each other's assholes. Don't be an asshole. Be kind. Smile more. Live cheerfully. Enjoy life and just be a kind person to be around. And, more importantly, act on that kindness. Do nice things. Kindness is an action, not a thought. When in doubt on how to react - be kind.

Step 6: There is NO... step 6!

Step 7: More of you is always a good thing!
Get less concerned with what others want you to be, and more concerned with what you want to be. Isaac Asimov said, "Above all, never think you're not good enough. Never think that. In life people will take you at your own reckoning." Your. Own. Reckoning. People want to know you. And it's pretty fucking easy to tell the pretenders and those who put up fronts. Give more of your wonderful, beautiful self to the world. Don't give a half-assed version of you. Go full ass.


  1. Taking notes!

    I like the last couple of lines. I need to be better and going full ass. And better about reaching out to people. Anxiety about people not liking me is dumb and I have such a hard time overcoming it. #truestory


  2. Ahaha))
    excellent article, perfect for lunchtime. I liked especially the 4 point, I like to practice such behavior)
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