Monday, March 9, 2015

When Life is Hard, You Have to Change

If you're expecting some DubyaWife hilarity - not this week. On occasion I need to write about my feelings. For the sake of privacy. Sake of brevity. For the sake of not seeming to be a drama-queen. And finally, to make sure the tone of this post comes across as genuine and not as a "call for attention"  - don't worry. Everything's okay. Everything will be okay.

I've always been an optimistic person. Fairly level headed. Cool under pressure. And not prone to fits of wild anger, anxiety, or pessimism. Those who are close to me know my bouts of frustration or sadness are short lived. My natural state tends to always be somewhat cheerful, filled with joie de vivre. I was put on this planet to annoy pessimists. If you're Eeyore, I'm Tigger. If you're Squidward, I'm SpongeBob.  I bring balance to the dark side.

This makes me thankful. (And not thankful towards a higher power, or ultimate being.) Thankful that those around me have helped shape my life. That I've been born to privilege. Thankful that the circumstances which have made up my life to this point have always seemed to fall in my favor. I've had rare moments of strife in my life. That's the truth. I'm a upper middle class white woman - Starbucks was literally created for me. You're welcome.

It seems silly to ever consider one's current state of life as strife, or as "bad" or as a "tough time" when you look around the world and find there's those suffering intensely more. To quote my very smart teenager, "Saying you can't be sad, because someone is sadder is like saying you can't be happy cause someone's happier. And that doesn't make sense." She's a smart kid. My greatest teacher. If one thing is true it's that children are great teachers. I've learned more about myself through raising a child than any educational institution or therapist could teach me. I'll let you debate which one is more expensive.

So when faced with hard life experiences it is hard to know how to feel. From moment to moment (for me) I waiver between my natural state of optimism, to worry, to "stiff upper lip" decision-making, to withdrawn, to etc. etc. etc. the list goes on. You get the point.

Even more so, I have a responsibility that my mental and emotional state directly affects those around me. My little family relies on my strength as a wife and mother and therefore being "strong" helps them. A selfless act. And mothers do it on a day to day basis. Inherent in our nurturing skills. We can't fall apart. But what happens when you do. What happens when you're faced with something so horribly life changing that all reason goes away and you're left with nothing. You're left with no control. You fall apart.

It's infuriating to not know the best course of action. It's annoying to not know if you're on the right road (of life). And it's even more worrisome to know that the decisions you make don't just affect you, but those you love as well. It can be an endless mindfuck to focus on the woulda, coulda, shouldas of life. I generally tend to dismiss them and focus on the "stiff upper lip" decision-making. It's easier to feel the hope of moving forward than the guilt of regret.

Feelings run hard right now. In the simplest phrase (and if you can understand my meaning) "my head is swimming." Swimming in a sea of worry, emotion, guilt, shame, anxiety, hope . I'm faced with things that are out of my control and that means I have to trust others to help. After having fought so hard to be a tougher me and to have taken control of my life - this is probably the hardest lesson I've had to learn. 

Change is hard, but inevitable. And sometimes change is a gradual process that happens slowly and beautifully. Like a bud blossoming. Other times it's like fucking Godzilla crashing down skyscrapers. ("Fuck you, you're remodeling, bitch!" ...I digress.) More often than not, we all end up looking back on life changing events and say to ourselves "it all worked out in the end." And perhaps it did (maybe it didn't), but it doesn't help the aches and pains of getting there.

This post is getting long and I don't have a succinct and clear conclusion that brings this all together. I wish I could end this with more more clarity or leave you with some hope. Suffice it to say that this post clearly reflects the multitude of emotions that I face (and have faced). Life moves on and I'm lucky to be a part of it. I'm thankful for the reminder of what's important, no matter how it's revealed to me. I'm thankful for my little family. I'm thankful they love me and trust me. They are the most important facet of my life. Everything else is just lagniappe.

random jumping llama for laughs

1 comment:

  1. This is my first time visiting your blog so I haven't seen the more jovial side just yet but I appreciate the tone of this because I can definitely relate to the feelings and crises of mindset and the appropriate actions to take based on said conflict. . Don't worry about a tidy conclusion, it won't always end wrapped in a bow. This post was for you, not us, but thanks for bringing us a long for the ride.