Monday, April 6, 2015

9 Imperfections That Make Me Perfect

Imperfections are the mark of authenticity and that is what makes each of us beautiful. I have many imperfections and here's just a few...

1. I have humor envy.
If you put a funny witty joke on social media I get jealous that i didn't think of it first.  Most people react first with "oh wow he/she's so funny" and I react with "why am i not funnier... i need to be more funny. Quick think of something funny!" crickets.

2. I'm completely egoistical.
If something didn't happen the way you wanted it to, I blame myself for having it gone wrong. When people start making plans I find myself making lots of "I" and "me" statements. While conversations are going on I will butt in with my own experiences because I want to dominant the conversation. In fact, this entire post is what we call in the comedy biz, that I don't belong to, irony.

3. I think I'm a goddess in bed.
I have no statistical evidence to prove this but just take my word on it. I am awesome. The reason this makes me an asshole is cause I walk around with this over inflated sense of self. I have this vision of me being the  brunette Jenna Jameson and it's more like James Cameron in drag.

4. I have anti-social-anxiety.
I get anxious when I'm alone and completely energized when I'm around a crowd. So this makes my overly excited and amped up to be around people and completed annoyed that I'm not getting attention when I'm alone. NEED MORE PEOPLE IN MY BUBBLE

5. Women annoy me.
I can't figure them out. I find them petty. I much rather have guy friends. With exception to a few, most women aren't upfront about their feelings and are so passive aggressive. Guys are like dogs that are just happy to be around you. Women are like cats, stuck up, pretentious, bite you when you try to pet them and knock shit off the coffee table, put their assholes in your face...  I may be getting carried away with that analogy. 

6. I voted for George W. Bush. Twice.
I'm a liberal. I support gay marriage. I'm pro-choice. Climate change is a huge issue. And evolution should be taught in schools. But early on in my life I followed in my parents footsteps and voted republican. Religiously. So yeah, sorry about that whole Afghanistan/Iraq thing.

7. I have very strong philosophical and political beliefs but am inadequate in verbalizing them.  
That means when I get into an argument I sound like an idiot. A loud. passionate. idiot. I forget facts. I don't choose my words carefully and end up backpedaling and saying the wrong thing. Politics is not for me. Most of the time I revert to the "That's just my opinion!" defense. Works every time. 

8. I'm a people watcher.
I'm judging you. I totally am, in my head, all the time. Malls, airports, grocery stores. I enjoy seeing humanity at it's best worst. I listen to other people's conversations (sniping). I try to turn off my brain but can't. Walmart is a sensory overload - it's the DisneyWorld of people watching. "Oh man, look at that one." No worries though, I'm in a 12 step program for recovery and recently, been diagnosed with elbow-nudging syndrome. [insert serenity prayer]

9. I meta-game life.
That is to say I have FOMO about everything. A cliched philosophy of YOLO. I want need to experience everything. To maximize all that life provides, but I can't do it all. That means I'm constantly ambitious about doing new things and sick-jealous when others are doing something I'm not. Problem is most of my time is wasted spent at my office convincing people to stop being jackholes and searching google for mood gifs.


  1. Girl, you seriously need to stay out of my head. I think we've been cursed with geographical distance to prevent our world domination. Phht.

    1. 1) I like your head, it's squishy in there.
      2) Soon. So soon.