Monday, July 27, 2015

Office people that need to go away.

Disclaimer: The below list is a lame attempt to be sardonic and funny. It is not directed towards any particular workplace or colleagues, but if you feel like *maybe* you relate to any of these...
then my work here is done.




"Did you get my email?"
Yes, I got your email, this is 2015, not 1996. Keywords aren't a thing and "floppy drives" is a sexual euphemism. What you're really asking is why haven't I done that thing you want me to do yet, but you're trying to be clever about it. Tell you what, I prefer straightforward to implying that your email was actually a priority for me. Well let's see, 1) if i haven't responded it's cause i haven't read it 2) or i am waiting to respond for a pretty damn good reason or 3) I don't like you.

I'll just wait at your door.
Oh would you please? Cause I'm on this phone call and ha! in addition, as you can see it's even wedged between my ear and shoulder while I type furiously trying to take care of this person on the other line, but I need you to wait at the door so I can have an even further sense of urgency... Because how else would I know that you really want to be my next priority? also, can you mouth the words of what you need as well? That'd be great. My attention clearly isn't divided enough.

I own this office.
I see that the chair I've placed in front of my desk doesn't suit you. Apologies, I neglected to understand that you really wanted to parade through my office like a peacock in full ass-feathered mode, surveying my stacks of paperwork and sitting on the side of my desk like a fucking Roman Emperor. Apologies, Caesar. Can I get you some coffee while you wait? Find some gladiators and set up a battle for your entertainment? Hand-feed you grapes? And while I'm at it, thank you for gracing me with your presence for several minutes while you repeat and reiterate a lengthy request/demand that could've been delivered in a one-sentence email.

Let me show you pictures of my kids.
No, no, I'm not busy. I'd love to see the pictures of your child being held by people I don't know. Also, while you're at it scroll through the pictures of your trip last weekend to your uncle's farm and tell me all about how you picked some fruit that I don't remember. Work can wait. While we're covering such essential topics, what did you have for lunch today? How many miles are on your car? Do you have any eight-minute videos that contain 10 seconds of something funny your child did? Nothing fascinates me more than the nuances of your personal life.

Life is awful. Everyone is an idiot.
You know, it's amazing how I can avoid actually saying the phrase "How are you?" but still have someone actually tell you without asking. And trust me if I do ask, I don't want the short quick "Good" response. No, that won't do! Please go into a long diatribe leaving no detail or person unhurt by your proverbial bus. It's great to get a constant reminder that you despise this place, cause obviously, everyone who works here is an idiot. I know that voicing your disdain is difficult so we all appreciate you sharing it with others. I know it's sweet that pooh and all his friends were so inclusive of Eeyore, but this isn't the Hundred Acre Wood. Are you trying to bring me down, or do you actually think your incessant negativity is somehow constructive?

I'm never wrong.
Look, I'm sorry you're self-conscious. I'm sorry your mother raised you to be such a self-righteous tool. I'm sorry that you associate incidental mistakes with deep personality flaws. But For chrissake, yes you are. And even if it's not 100% your fault, be a fucking adult with some goddamn manners and say "Oh, I'm sorry, I could have checked on that too." or "Looks like we both missed this." No one cares or is counting the number of errors you make. But every time you passively aggressively try to make it sounds like you didn't screw up, I hate you more. A small apology goes a long way with decent people. And refusing to admit error just prevents you from growing.

And my favorite...

Cell phone in the bathroom? IDGAF.
Your phone call is too important to not give a crap. Literally. Who cares about hygiene or good manners? Shit's gotta get done, amirite? I love your complete dismissal of the mute button too, because while we're discussing requisitions I thought to myself "You know what's missing in this conversation right now? A toilet flushing in the background." Ah, never mind, there it is. I wish I could pass gas on demand. And I hope you know how loud I'm going to laugh the day you finally drop it in the can. But don't worry, the person on the other end is surely delighted by these sounds and understanding of your unparalleled work ethic.



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